Surviving Back-to-School Chaos (Neurodivergent Edition)
There I was, unbothered and minding my own business, adding something to my calendar the other day, when I got slapped with the realization that my kids go back to school in less than 3 weeks. My mind immediately started spinning. I was making to do lists, panicking slightly at how this snuck up on me so quick, and dreading the imminent arrival of the two feral velociraptors that will soon cohabitate with me (aka my two children during the first several weeks of school).
Because let’s be honest: back-to-school season is one long, extended nervous system collapse in a lunchbox. You think you’re just buying new shoes and sharpening pencils, but what you're actually doing is diving headfirst into a marathon of executive function landmines, sensory assaults, and emotional meltdowns wrapped in Target receipts. And if you're neurodivergent—or raising neurodivergent kids? It’s not just “a transition.” It’s a full-blown identity rupture.
Transitions are hard for anyone. For neurodivergent kids, they’re often the equivalent of summiting Mt. Everest without oxygen and without spending time acclimating at base camp first.
And back-to-school is one monster of a transition. So let’s talk about how we survive it. Not with Pinterest charts or toxic positivity. But with actual nervous system care. For you. And your kids.
Understand What’s Actually Happening
Back-to-school isn’t a calendar event. It’s a full-body recalibration that drains executive function from your kids like a dying iPhone battery. Task initiation, emotional regulation, time management, outfit decisions, social scripts, lunch-packing logistics, new classrooms and teachers—it’s all stacked on top of each other. Even when it’s “going fine,” it’s burning through energy reserves in the background faster than it can be replenished.
So meltdowns? Shutdowns? Avoidance? They’re pretty much guaranteed. But these aren’t signs of failure. They’re signs the system is doing its best to survive under too much load.
Remember You’re in Transition, Too
As parents, we may not be transitioning back-to-school with the same challenges that are kids are facing, but it is still a transition for us, too. Adjusting back to strict bedtime routines, rushing in the morning to pack lunches and backpacks, and resuming the mental load that is homework help, sports schedules, back to school nights, and school events drains just as much executive function from us. So, if you're bracing for dysregulation in your kid but ignoring your own? You’re setting yourself up for a double implosion.
Every time one of my kids starts spiraling and I feel myself losing it because I’m overstimulated, underslept, and just found one more sock on the floor—I remember: I’m also in transition. I’m also dysregulated. And I need a plan for that, not just for them.
Build a Better Inner Monologue
I’m as sick as the next person is of hearing about reframing your perspective or talking kindly to yourself (and I’m a therapist!), but the annoying truth is that the expectations we set in our head have a huge impact on how much distress we do or don’t feel. Here’s what I like to tell myself during back to school (on repeat, like a sacred playlist):
“Transitions are hard. I will struggle and so will my kids.”
“Struggling doesn’t mean I failed. It means I’m human.”
“The goal isn’t zero stress. The goal is to prioritize co-regulation and reduce distress as much as possible.”
Know Your Tools (and Actually Use Them)
Before and after school will be akin to war zones and everyone will likely be in a state of chaos. If you want any hope of being able to co-regulate with your kids, you need real regulation tools, not aspirational ones. Here’s what I will be relying on this back-to-school season.
Loop earplugs
Comfy clothes
Sunglasses (for indoors and outdoors)
Emergency chewy sour candy
Fidgets (my current favorite is my magnetic slide fidget)
And when the wave hits, find a phrase that centers you. Mine lately? “They don’t need me to fix things. They need me to co-regulate.”
Plan Ahead to Save Executive Function
I know that the demand on my executive function increases as soon as back to school hits and I need as much help as I can get. I start thinking about how I can preserve executive function and focus on a few areas. First, I make an extra effort to ensure I get a full 8 hours of sleep, set reminders to make sure I eat 3 meals, hydrate throughout the day, and proactively meet my sensory needs (stimming, avoiding harsh lighting, stay in low sensory environments as much as I can, etc.)
Second, I will outsource as much of my executive function as possible for the first month or so of school. Some examples of this can include:
Meal prepping or budgeting for takeout/DoorDash
Hire housecleaners or enlist help of friends/family to clean your house or do laundry for the first month of school
Get groceries through delivery/pickup instead of going into the store
Reschedule any non-essential appointments for a few weeks after school starts
Get prepackaged lunches (e.g. Lunchables, Uncrustables, etc.) or pack them the night before
Lay out clothes for kids the night before (or even put them to sleep in their clothes the night before!)
And third, I will temporarily relax house expectations and/or demands on the kids to reduce the executive function burden for everyone. You can explain upfront to the family why you’re doing this and be clear that it is not permanent. This could be things like:
· Allow increase in screen time if lessens burden on you
· Reduce frequency of baths/showers for a few weeks if it’s a struggle for you or your kids
· Allow your kids to eat in a preferred location instead of the table for a few week if it saves you a fight
Model What Regulation Looks Like
A huge part of co-regulation is modeling what you do to regulate yourself. This includes things like narrating out loud what you notice or what’s going on in your body. For example, “I can see how overwhelmed you are and I’m feeling it too. My body is telling me that it needs to slow down and find something calming to do. Want to try and regulate together?”
Another part of this modeling what it looks like to take a break if your current environment is too much to handle. Have a plan with the other parent/caregiver if applicable about how to “tap out” or just let your kids know ahead of time that you may need to take breaks. Then make sure to explain to them in the moment what’s going on. I will often say something to my kids like “Mommy is dysregulated right now and I’m having a hard time keeping in control of my body and words. I need to go to my room alone for 10 minutes to calm down because I don’t want to yell. I’m not upset and you didn’t do anything wrong. My body just needs a minute.”
You’re Not Alone in This
Co-regulation is hard, especially since most of us did not have this modeled to us as kids. If your kids are neurodivergent, it becomes even more difficult. If you’re neurodivergent as well? It can feel almost impossible. But you’re not alone. And you are not failing. Practicing self-compassion and prioritizing nervous system care for yourself and your kids can help to make back-to-school smoother.
This isn’t the season for perfection. It’s the season for compassion. For the messy miracle of co-regulation. For breath before answers. For showing your kids what it looks like to show up, even when you’re one kid meltdown away from changing your name and moving off-grid (I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about doing that a time or two).
Feeling like you want more support?
I offer groups for neurodivergent parents and individual therapy for neurodivergent women. I’d be honored to be a part of your support system.
Learn more about working with me here.
